Sticky toffee pudding in 30 easy steps

Ingredients

• 1/2 to 3/4cups chopped dates
• 1/2 to 3/4cups apple brandy (or Calvados)
• 2cups unbleached, all purpose flour
• 2cups white sugar
• 2teaspoons baking soda
• 1teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 3/4teaspoon salt
• 4cups slightly tart apples: peeled, cored and roughly chopped
• 1/2cup melted sweet butter
• 2eggs, lightly beaten 

Directions

1. Check the weather, pull on some rubber boots and steel yourself for some rainy day apple picking.

2. Buy excessively, ‘tis the season.

3. Bake apple desserts daily, or until your kids claim that they no longer like dessert.

4. Discover a new favorite sticky date and apple cake recipe.

5. Pat yourself on the back for realizing that this cake would make terrific muffins.

6. Pat yourself again for realizing that you’ve managed to save a few apples for this purpose.

7. Soak your dates in rum since you drank the remaining brandy the night before.

8. Check the clock. Re-assess your plans to bake mid-afternoon muffins. It’s ambitious given that school pickup is in just one hour. Defer your muffin-baking plans until the next morning. Cover rum-soaked dates with a tea towel.

9. Wake up refreshed and ready to tackle the muffins. Search for muffin cups. Find only foil liners and Spiderman wrappers.

10. Line your muffin tin.

11. Pat yourself on the back for having enough cups to cover two pans.

12. Mix your dry ingredients and wet ingredients separately. Mix wet into dry.

13. Fill your cups. Bake muffins for 20 minutes. Test with a toothpick and find it gooey.

14. Set your timer for another 10 minutes. Test with a toothpick. Find it gooey.

15. Set your timer for another 10 minutes. Test with a toothpick. Find it gooey.

16. Set your timer for another 10 minutes. Test with a toothpick. Find it gooey.

17. Realize that the muffin edges are starting to look like tar and pull them out to cool.

18. Test a muffin with a paring knife and find that the edges are quickly achieving diamond-like density.

19. Stab at the corners of each muffin in an attempt to dislodge from the pan. Worry that you may be scratching your pan but assure yourself that you deserve a new one at this point. Briefly consider other tools in your arsenal – hammer, screwdriver, nail file.

20. Pat yourself on the back for finally dislodging the muffins with minimal pan damage.

21. Sit down to enjoy a hard-earned muffin. Realize that your muffin is firmly stuck to its wrapper. Gouge out a soft piece from the middle and nibble.

22. Ponder whether you might have been more successful roasting pigeon-stuffed Turducken.

23. Remove the surviving muffin guts to prevent wastage since what remains is still delicious.

24. Ponder how you can salvage the muffin guts. Cover the guts with a tea towel while you sleep on it.

25. Wake up refreshed and ready to tackle the guts. Pat yourself on the back for coming up with an idea for a sticky toffee pudding.

26. Smash the guts with odds and ends from the fridge to come up with something pudding-like. Bake it.

27. Find the results too repulsive for words. Forge on with the sticky toffee pudding idea.

28. Find a recipe online. Pat yourself on the back for realizing that it can be prepped and baked in under an hour and will soon be satisfying your sticky toffee pudding needs.

29. Cover the hot puddings with sticky buttery sugary goo.

30. Pat yourself on the back for finally having made yourself something worth eating. Dig in with a fork. Sharing is optional, but really, you deserve it all at this point.