Throw a raincoat over your workout gear, and voila! You're a flasher.

So, here is the outfit transgression. Why I thought it was OK to set foot outside wearing nothing but workout gear and a trenchcoat is beyond me. I looked like a flasher. A friendly flasher, one who might help a blind person cross the street, but a flasher nonetheless.

Last week got off to a bad start.  I headed out of my apartment in an inappropriate outfit, and shortly thereafter pigged out on a big slab of quiche. Which I’m pretty sure was made from a mixture of heavy cream, egg yolks and cheese and baked in the oven with more cheese on top. Why does everyone point their finger at cake as the ultimate bad guy? They have clearly never encountered a quiche quite like this.

Fortunately, even after these early missteps, I was able to bounce back with some healthy eating. Family included. Let me clarify: I didn’t eat my family, but we all managed to eat a pretty healthy diet last week. If a healthy diet means bubble fluid for the kids, and coffee for the dog.  At least they stayed far away from that quiche!

Somebody gets treated like a king in this house. #vizslalove

Thankfully we have a royal Hungarian vizsla living in our home, which brings our status as a family up a notch. If it wasn’t for the vizsla, we’d have the same reputation as the Hiltons. The Weiners. The Spitzers. The (shielding eyes), dare I say it…Lohans? 

I think I finally tasted how quiche should really taste

It was that kind of thinking that led me to the quiche. Desolation, despair. Here is the slab that I mentioned earlier. I bought it at Bouchon Bakery in midtown after a meeting was postponed by 2 hours, leaving me with an extra 2 hours in my day to console myself with food.
I have never tasted quiche this good in my life. I would be totally fine if that wobbly goodness went straight to my thighs. Or underneath my chin. My kneecaps even. It was so beyond worth it. Ahhhh!!! Not worth it! Not worth it! Must fix now!

Who knew, a farmers' market in the middle of Rockefeller Plaza

Fortunately there was a farmers’ market in the vicinity and I reversed course by picking up a few crates of fruit. Which are now attracting fruit flies on my counter because who can eat this much fruit in a week? Am I the only person who does this? I can’t go to a farmers’ marketing without buying bags of food. It’s an illness really.

5-minute salad greens, vinaigrette, chicken, smoked ricotta salata and grilled nectarines #fast #easy #fresh #summer #salad

Fortunately I know how to deal with an oversupply of fruit & veg. I just wiped off the fruit flies, threw the apricots on the grill, and ended up with a delicious 5-minute salad made from greens, vinaigrette, shredded chicken, the grilled fruit, and smoked ricotta salata. If you’re jealous of my lunch that day, you should be. It really was as good as it looks.

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bacon_cashew_caramel_cornDon’t worry, I haven’t let you down.  I’m bringing snacks to The Bachelorette finale viewing party: sticky bacon caramel corn. As Chris Harrison promises at the end of every season, this will certainly be the most dramatic finale in Bachelorette history.  So it probably goes without saying that I needed the most dramatic snack I could get my hands on.

I’ve watched the show religiously for as long as it’s been around.  Yes, I even watched the first season with that dirtbag Alex Michel. The only season I’ve missed is Deanna’s season. She has the energy of an aging Coonhound. I know, not so nice, but I think it’s fair game when you sign up to have helicopters, designer clothes, and reasonably good-looking, if not somewhat creepy dudes thrown at you for six weeks straight. And yes, shockingly, that’s how long filming lasts, from the courtyard meet and greet, to getting down on bended knee. Six weeks!  It would take me that long just to learn how to make a proper espresso, let alone meet, date, and become engaged to my life partner.

These days I don’t have much time for TV, so I’ve had to narrow it down to one show.  And I just can’t part with The Bachelor.  Lucky for me, Rodney has the same addiction.  He’s the only guy I know who’ll actually cop to watching the show.  Ever see the episodes with a live studio audience?  There’s a reason why all of the guys are wearing baseball hats and fake mustaches.  Guys do not like to be associated with this show, unless they’re an actual cast member of course. At which point they’re desperate to be associated with it.

bachelorette

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pepinomelonThere was a lot of talk about skin this week, which truthfully isn’t the most appetizing way to talk about fruit. But I have to agree with the kids – this was definitely one of those fruits where you weren’t sure if you were supposed to eat the skin or not. Kind of like the Cuke-asaurus.  But despite all of the skin confusion and a touch of mealiness, the guys seemed to like it.

And I’ll give her another try based on looks alone. I mean isn’t this really the supermodel of the melon world?  Cantaloupe is so jealous that she’s got that scaly skin and can spread salmonella and listeria like the plague.  Sometimes the world just isn’t fair.

ME: OK, what is this called guys? (No answer)

ME: It’s called a Pepino Melon. What does this look like?

LAUREN: I think it looks like a seed.  A really big seed.

SAM: I think it looks like a big monster.

LAUREN: I think it looks like a potato.

ME: Who wants to touch it?

LAUREN: Me! Hmmm, I feel a little dry spot.

(several minutes go by, with lots of time spent touching the dry spot)

ME: OK, this is taking a long time.

LAUREN: Well, with a little scratch, it feels like a little bit of dirt.

ME: What about you Sam?

SAM: Wet!

LAUREN: That’s because she just washed it Sam.

ME: And who wants to smell it?

LAUREN: Me. It kind of smells like a real lemon.  But it kind of smells a little lighter.

ME: A little lighter than real lemon?

LAUREN: Yeah. Because a real lemon smells really, really strong.

LAUREN: And this lemon has a lighter smell.

LAUREN: I can’t wait to see the inside!

ME: Me too!

LAUREN: Now let’s smell the inside.

LAUREN: Now it smells like the other mystery food before.  I think it was kind of potatoey.

ME: Hm, the sunchoke?

LAUREN: No. It’s like a potato.

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bruschetta-4I love working from home.

Because now I can sit in bed and Google terms like “S&M” on my laptop and not worry that I’ll be under investigation by my company’s HR manager.  Booted from corporate America for searching pornography with office-provided equipment, a large black “X” next to my name for all eternity.

It’s not that I regularly search terms like “S&M”, but I was a little curious about whether food-related S&M is an actual thing.

There is a back story here. 

As many of you probably know by now, we live in Chelsea in Manhattan.  Which is the epicenter of all things male. I’ll never forget the time I saw a young couple on the street with their two pre-school aged kids.  The kids suddenly took off down the sidewalk, yelling back to their parents “Mom, Dad, can we go to The Nasty Pig?” And the parents yelled back “OK! We’ll meet you there!”

Apparently The Nasty Pig, which still exists on 19th St., had a cute little dog that would come visit the kids at the door.  I’m not sure if the parents ever let them inside.  Hopefully they didn’t.

I’ve actually never been inside The Nasty Pig.  Kind of like my interest in visiting a Talbots – just not high on my priority list. But even if one day I summoned the courage to waltz inside, something about owner’s hulking demeanor and studded high tops suggests that women – particularly casually-dressed Type-A-looking women – would not be welcome.

Based on window dressing alone, I can make some assumptions about the merchandise inside.  A pretty good set of outfits and objects related to horseback riding- chaps, crops, reins, bits, things of that nature.  Not intended for horses, of course.

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fennelMaybe Lauren has been spending too much time with Ronald McDonald.  That just sounded really creepy.  Let me re-phrase:  Why did Lauren have the word Ronald in her head?  Fennel is not Ronald.  Ronald is not fennel.  Neither is Reynold.  This is slowly turning into a man-walks-into-a-bar type of joke, or a management consulting interview case.  Either way, it’s not working.  But fennel wasn’t a hit.  Maybe because it tasted like Ronald.  That sounded creepier.  You know, I’m going to shut this down because we’re not making any progress here.  We were all smarter before fennel entered the picture.  Too bad, because I really like it.

ME: What’s this called?

SAM: Rugula!

ME: Nope, who else has a guess?

LAUREN: What? Reynold….Ronald…

LAUREN: Reynold Ronald?

ME: No, it’s not a Reynold.

LAUREN: A Ronald?

ME: Nope, Sam?

SAM: Rugala.

ME: It’s called fennel guys.

ME: What do you think it looks like?

SAM: Rugala.

SAM: A dynamite.

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